Well ain't that some crap!

****Warning: this post is going to be a self-pity post with me mostly whining, I try not to do this but the happy juice has been all used up! I’ll try to replenish over the weekend****

I told my husband when I wanted to start trying, which was pretty much the day after we were married that pregnancy was going to be perfect! I couldn't wait to get big and what could possible go wrong, you are growing and creating a new life, pregnancy is perfect: I'm now eating those words.

We had our 35 week doctor appointment today. Brody still weighs 5 1/2 pounds this week, the tech said last week’s measurement could have been off a little or this week’s could be off. He said the further along you go the harder it is to get accurate measurements which is hard for me to understand if you are having weekly growth scans…what’s the point if they aren’t accurate. But Dr. B assures me he is doing just fine in there. I’d rather see growth each week but I’m trying not to worry about it too much.

My cervix hasn’t changed which really ticks me off. I’ve been having very strong contractions the past 2 days and just plain miserable so I figured something was going on in there but apparently not. So I’m still 1-2 dilated and 50% effaced.
She took me off bed rest and is allowing me to do things as I can. If I get into too much pain then I’m suppose to get off my feet. She also said if I go into the L&D to get checked or because of the contractions that she will no longer stop labor and if they try to give me terb or Procardia to refuse it.

Now to the crappy part:
She gave me my prescription to switch over to heparin, which is a shot twice a day instead of the once a day with Lovenox. The reasoning behind this is so that I can have an epidural when I go into labor. I cannot have one on Lovenox until 36 hours after my last shot and obviously most labors don’t last that long. The heparin you only have to wait 12 hours and even then there’s medicine they can give to reverse heparin so that I can have the epidural. I go to the pharmacy to get it filled and they said there’s been a recall and to contact my doctor. So I called them back and she ended up calling me at 5:30 this evening to let me know that there’s some kind of national recall/shortage of heparin and I will not be able to switch, which pretty much means I won’t be able to have an epidural when I go into labor. Are you freaking kidding me…my body and I have been through complete crap the past 8 weeks and now I’m not gonna be able to have an epidural. Sure there’s demarol but it doesn’t numb the nerve-endings, not to mention we’ve already established our kid has a big head like us….not to mention that god forbid I do have to have a c-section I’ll have to be put under because I won’t be numbed up!!! I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have an epidural if I went into preterm labor but in the back of my mind I know I’ll go all the way until induction. And the past two days I’ve realized these contractions really can hurt and I’ve been looking forward to the epidural.

I’ve pretty much been crying all night and I’m just so tired. I know it’s just the hormones and the fact that I’m scared of the unknown, fear can be a pretty strong thing! I feel like it’s one thing after another. I know part of pregnancy is to be uncomfortable towards the end but I literally feel like I’ve been hit with a baseball bat over and over again. My stomach is so sore from the constant contractions and emotionally I’m depleted. There’s so many what ifs and what happens if this happens that I’m just done! I have my faith, I know this is what’s best and that the Lord has it all mapped out for me but at the same time is it ever going to end? What more do I have to go through to hold this precious baby and am I strong enough to get there? I’ve stuck myself every single day in the stomach for over 200 days with medicine that burns like I’m on fire, I’ve spent almost 8 weeks in bed taking medicine that makes me jittery and the whole time hoping it’s not somehow affecting this baby, I’ve been through test after test to make sure by body isn’t giving up and slowly hurting and killing my child. I’ve sat up night after night praying for my child’s safety knowing my body isn’t the best place for him but the only way for him to enter this world and to my amazement he has answered every prayer I’ve whispered. It’s completely sucked everything out of me and I just don’t know how I’m going to get the strength to deliver.

We go back to the doc in a week for another growth scan and appointment. We will talk more about pain management and induction.
Til then,
LeAnn